


On the Outside

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-17
Updated: 2003-11-17
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Someone watches Brian and Justin on the stairs of Woodyâ€™s.  Gapfiller for 314.





	On the Outside

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

The colors around me explode and the noise level increases, and I lean back against the wall behind me, feeling like someone watching from the outside. I don’t belong here, never felt as if I could be part of the community, but I came nevertheless. 

 

Why? 

 

Who the fuck knows? 

 

I certainly don’t, and I suppose that says anything. I was sitting in my apartment tonight, watching the news, hearing everything about Stockwell’s downfall, and I knew I had to be here. So I came, and now I’m standing here, feeling detached. Everyone around me dances, they laugh and celebrate and in my face no muscle moves. 

 

“Hey, you want some?”

 

A hand offers me some pills but I shake my head and it disappears again. 

 

“Why don’t you loosen up a little. We won!”

 

Another hand, this time on my arm, pulling me, but I shake it off. “Fuck off,” I shout and again it moves away. Why can’t they understand that I just want to fucking stand here and watch. Suddenly my gaze is drawn to the steps in front of Woodys, and there they are. One of them tall, dark, and not just a little mysterious, the other bright, almost blinding. And they complete each other. There were times when I didn’t want to believe it, but I learned it the hard, the painful way. 

 

Brian and Justin. Two men. So different and yet so fitting. 

 

Justin smiles, his teeth flashing bright in the night. He’s saying something I can’t understand, I’m too far away. But I don’t have to hear it to know that they’re an item again. They look at each other, and I almost choke when I see the look in Brian Kinney’s eyes. He loves him, he fucking loves Justin. It’s never been so obvious before. And fuck, Justin knows. You can see it in the easy way he handles the older man. 

 

I have to look away as they kiss. I thought I could watch it, but it still hurts. It hurts to see them so happy, so – together. I know I’m pathetic, but I don’t care. I can’t ignore the way my gut clenches at seeing them, can’t help how my heart is beating fast and painfully in my chest.

 

When I dare to look back, Michael has joined them. With him is a boy who can’t be older than sixteen. My brows rise. Is Michael now into teenagers as well? He never struck me as the type, but with those older men you can never know. I should know. I’ve seen it more than once. Those grandfatherly types shake your hand and you see it lighten up in their eyes. Lust. Want. One of them even came on to me and offered to help me with my career if I let him fuck me. No way. I’m not that desperate. And I’m not sure if I ever could be. 

 

They talk and Michael steps up the stairs and he and Brian kiss, then Michael backs away again and he and kid disappear in the crowd. For a moment Brian looks after them, then he turns back to Justin. They seem to say something, and then join the crowd on the street. After a moment they start dancing, but they seem to be in their own world, their foreheads touching, I can see them whisper to each other. 

 

Justin seems so comfortable, it makes me want to scream. But I don’t, instead I force myself watching, force myself to look at what I threw away. 

 

But did I really?

 

Did I threw it away or was it just inevitable? I like to think that Justin and I were meant to be. That we were good together, and for a while we were. It was sweet, it was romantic, and for a short time we were happy. At least I was. I can never be sure where Justin is concerned. He let me go without a fight. He didn’t try once to contact me. I was hovering around the phone for days, but nothing happened. In the end tried his cell, but he never returned my call, so I finally gave up and tried to keep my mind on my music.

 

But tonight I had to come. I just had to come and see it myself. I knew he would be there, and I had already heard that he and Brian were back together. At first I thought he was pathetic for going to back to Kinney, but I don’t think so anymore. I watch them dancing in the street, tightly entwined, their arms wrapped around each other, and it’s when I know it. When I finally understand. Even though Justin and I were together for a while, I was always on the outside.


End file.
